Serendipitously, as I was writing this, my Facebook notifications were binging like fucking mad.
I stopped what I was doing and looked to see what the ruckus was all about.
My friend John asked me to be involved in a project he was working on a few weeks ago. #theloveproject.
The video is up, or a sneak peek at least. I am in it. At 1:28, saying “Maybe if I am good enough, someone will love me.” Cue the tears.
I had this discussion with my new friend Clifford Myers http://www.cliffordmyers.ca/ the other day wherein we were talking about enlightenment. I expressed my irritation with people who attain a certain level of awareness and then stop, thinking they know everything. Arrested development.
The things we despise in others are the things we feel shame or guilt about in ourselves.
I do that shit too. I plateau, I back pedal and I fall apart.
I yammer on and on about how everything changes, life itself is in a state of constant flux, preach on and on about unconditional love and being unapologetically yourself yada yada, blah blah blah.
And what did I do?
Yesterday I ran away from my perfectly amazing Fuck Monster at 8 in the morning.
Because 12 hours before he said he didn’t like my hat which somehow became this avalanche of negativity that I got buried under, even though I was tucked safely in the cocoon of his bed, under his duvet and he had his arms around me.
(He is a cuddle monster too.)
Like literally put my pants on and bolted out the door with this loop in my head that said ‘run’.
I’m over simplifying. It didn’t just say ‘run’. ‘It’s going to hurt when he leaves, he is gonna leave, they all leave.’ And some more screeching panicked noises that sounded a rabbit caught in a snare. It was hard to make all of it out, but you get the gist.
Now, this is the point where the others would say ‘this isn’t my problem’, ‘you are crazy’ or my personal favorite, the anthem of the fuck boy ‘think whatever you want.’
He didn’t do that.
Had he said ‘this is not my problem/fault’, he would have been bang on.
It really isn’t. I knew the hat looked bad and I wore it anyways, I was cold.
So whose fault is it?
I hate playing the blame game. I truly do.
I internalize every fucking thing ever. It’s all my fault.
Sure I have read the memes that say
You are not responsible for how other people treat you.
Hurt people hurt people.
Real human beings don’t go around destroying people.
You are not what they did to you.
And for a minute I believe them.
Then I go right back to trying to figure out what I did wrong.
I’ve made bad choices…that might be where my responsibility ends.
I was conditioned, from a very young age, that my behavior dictated the amount of affection I earned.
Not okay for a girl like me.
Never enough unless I was too much.
I was never told I was attractive or overly intelligent. I have no idea what I look like to other people.
At age 40, I started figuring out how to forgive and accept myself, love myself even. I don’t apologize, I own my shit, I am loud and proud, loving, funny, sweet and smart.
I am also fallible. I fuck up, and it’s okay.
Add a boy.
All that shit goes out the window. I second guess myself, tone myself down, worry, fuss, cry. Yuck.
I stop evolving.
I become that thing I don’t like.
“Whatever I think” is negative.
I bolted because I knew I was going to cry. I knew it was hormones. I knew I was scared. I knew I didn’t have enough control to get through the morning without turning into a puddle. So I bailed.
Most guys would have been relieved and grateful not to be stuck with a crying girl on their couch.
He didn’t like that.
I told him I panicked, I told him it was irrational and I couldn’t explain it.
He said “it’s anxiety from something that’s happened to you in the past, hurt you, so now you assume something bad is gunna happen because you’re vulnerable and so familiar with the feeling.”
Damn baby. Fucking nailed it.
He also said it sounded like I had “been with a bunch of dickheads”.
Yep, I really have.
Guys who say they want a girl with a high sex drive then shame me for the amount of sex I actually want.
(He gets hard being near me and follows through every single time)
Guys who are stingy with affection and compliments.
(His eyes light up when I walk in the door and I never have to reach very far to grab his hand)
I took a deep breath and went back over last night.
His eyes lit up when I walked in the door.
He fucked me 3 times in 18 hours.
We smiled and touched and talked.
As much as people can be a reflection of the things we don’t like about ourselves, I think if we are really lucky, we can find someone that reflects back all the good things we are too.