Time Machine

February 12, 2015
I was staring into space thinking “if I had a time machine I would go back to March 2014 and use the power of ‘I want that one’ and chose better. I got the initials right.”
I’m not 20 years late, I am 6 months late. We could have been eating steak and marshmallows the whole time. We could have had a plan in place for when one of us goes dark. Take turns being the other’s Tauntaun. T’was a lovely daydream, there was swimming, cottages, barbeques, ice cream and lots of sex. I digress.
“Snap back to reality
oh there goes gravity” (Eminem Lose Yourself)
2 things
If that was what I would use a time machine for? HOLY SHIT, I have made some serious peace with my past. YAY ME. (Jena, pompoms, now is the time.)
And nay nay.
I wouldn’t go back to March. 6 more months with him? Yes. Then? No.
Buddha says ‘everything is as it should be’.
This was my first step on the path I am on now.
Just contemplate that for a second (or years).
It just is.
If things were supposed to be different, they would be. No way around it.
My foresight is becoming 20/20. And my hindsight could be recruited as a sniper.
From the stroke of midnight New Year’s Eve 2014 with the fireworks and the ocean, to this very minute. I have never experienced anything like it. Figuring out what it’s like to be exactly me. I wouldn’t trade it.
February 18th is a Black New Moon.
Simply put, a Black Moon is the New Moon version of a Blue Moon, and is either:
1. A month missing a Full or New Moon… this can only occur in February, as the lunar synodic period from like phase to phase is 29.5 days long. This last occurred in 2014 and will next occur in 2018.
2. The second New Moon in a month with two. This can happen in any calendar month except February.
3. And now for the most convoluted definition: the third New Moon in an astronomical season with four.
(Source www.universetoday.com)

Of course it’s #3.

There will be a righteous purge. A funeral pyre.
“Warmth can only come from a burning” Stephen King (The Stand)
I said goodbye to High School Love. It fell away as naturally as it could, it was just time. I have not yet erased the messages, not because I need them or read them, I knew there would be a time when it was cosmically right.
Found it.
St. Anthony stepped up and kept me going while I was tripping through Hell with court. We made amends and peace, and I let go. It was time. Those messages and court papers, will go up in flames too.
They deserve a decent burial.
It’s comforting and flattering to have ghosts of relationships past come forward, shake their chains and tell me they really did love me the whole time. But that is a dangerous path to walk down, no forward momentum, potential has already been reached, and it didn’t go so good the first time.
I’ll take door number 3. Into the future.
I get messages from I dunno, some kind of early morning Field of Dreams voice. “Her name is Katie, she has cotton candy hair”. The 24 year old was cheating for lack of a better word. Her name was actually Kayla, but the Voice got the hair right.

7 days ago I got another, more tangible message in the form of an accidental text. It was an apology to some other girl done wrong by. It could have been for me, crazy summer and all.
I wished him luck with his girl, I wish them all luck with their girls.
I will take my convoluted closure and say thank you.
I knew things would change after Halloween, I know they will change again.
The Voice said 100 days. I’ve got 22 left. I have used them mostly wisely, a few tantrums here and there. I balked, I pouted. But mostly I moved forward, put away old things, and let go.
No nets.
No attachments.
No ghosts.
No chains.
No, thank you.
Just me. Lusty-eyed, and full of grace.

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