Using the Force.

November 15, 2015


115 000+ heartbeats stopped beating in the span of 24 hours. 115 000+ (plus one).

Friday night they had the news on at work, all the TV’s usually showing hockey or the football were all on CNN. Death toll kept rising and my heart kept sinking.

Same night one of the girl’s lost the grandmother who raised her. This single mom had taken her grandmother in and has been caring for her as long as I have known her. The call came in about an hour after our shift started.  I’ve never seen her upset and it came off of her in waves.

There was also a car accident exactly in front of the bar. Shut down traffic, a handful of cops, much smashing and debris. Poor woman came inside and we all looked after her as best we could. Bottled water and Tylenol. Bags for everything she salvaged from the wreck. She was in shock.

I evened for as long as I could but ended up unable to even.

One of the bouncers is an ex-Navy Seal. Always hyper aware and very protective of me as I am of him. If he asked me once if I was alright he must have asked 100 times. He abhors being touched but hugged me anyways. I tried to not get any of my sadness on him, he has enough of his own.


This was my yesterday…trying to combat all the hate getting smeared all over Facebook.

I do not adhere to any one religion. I do not believe in a traditional god. Such is my right as someone born with free will in a free country.

Prayer is a universal word that expresses ‘I acknowledge the horror that is happening. I am sending empathy, sympathy and love to you in a time of need.’

I cannot stomach one more person saying ‘don’t pray for Paris, religion caused this’.

Religion may have caused it, but loving one another can stop it. Let everyone grieve, mourn and support in whatever way they wish.

Isn’t it not so much religion causing this as a group of people deciding they don’t like how another group prays?

So ‘don’t pray for Paris’ is kind of the same thing no?

Throwing more hate isn’t going to solve anything. The theme today is you cannot fight hate with hate. People will always fear what they do not understand and it leads to hate.

I have heard and refereed some fucked up shit today kids.

At least once a month if not more in the United States some white dude walks into a school, mall, theater or any crowded public place and opens fire. ‘Not all white dudes’ though seems to be the response.

Mass killings spawned by hate insanity and extremism are wrong on all levels.

Mass ignorance and anger back at anyone who might resemble those who have done the killings is not the answer.

Today has me thinking. When I was 19 years old my friend Greg died in my arms. Our group of friends elected me to tell them how to deal. There was anger depression bargaining et al. I was not equipped to deal then, but I did my best. I took everyone into my home and put my own grief aside to comfort them.

I broke down eventually.

That is what it feels like now but I have 30 000 people who are with me every day and something really bad happened and everyone is reacting and I feel obligated to love and comfort everyone.

Everyone is welcome here. It is a safe place to feel loved and heal.

Keep that in mind when posting on my posts.

I am human, we all are and we are just trying to sort through this mess.

Love will conquer. Light wins. Let’s get started.


It was too much.

I alternately left and came back to social media, it was a mess. Banned 157 people from my page in a day.

Saw all of my fellow writers trying so hard to be positive and comforting.

Started re-posting their eloquent words and I’m over here slinging Star Wars quotes.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

At what point can I feel comfortable going back to doing what I do?

Something else happened in the last 72 hours that I was unaware of.
Hits on my website went into hyper-drive. 1500+.
Maybe that’s how I use the Force for good and stop the spread of evil?
Wax nostalgic and comedic about love and sex and whatnot.

“I want people to hear a voice without hate in it”. (Pass the Light)

I started writing this last week, on a napkin at work. With the Star Wars quote as a lead off. Before the world fell apart.


I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened. Obi-Wan Kenobi

Nope, false alarm. That was just me…

Wait… no it wasn’t. I am actually good for once.

So, what be the ruckus?

Nay, not a million voices, just a half dozen.

Silence is golden.

At least it was.

Wolfling went on a walkabout round October. My mantra for him was ‘stay down’. Lord hear our prayer he finds a nice girl. Nope. Scratched on the door yesterday. I said I didn’t have anything to feed him.

I don’t.

Not looking forward to that conversation at all. How do I say ‘no baby, not anymore’?

Probably exactly like that. He will have a Wookie sized tantrum, complete with noises.

Oh Sunday. Last time we went out I said something about when we broke up I wouldn’t be able to go back to a certain restaurant. He snapped back fast “we aren’t dating”. Not sure he realized how much truth he told. Do or do not, there is no try. Yoda (Not anymore)

I went to a wedding yesterday, alone. Contemplated asking Young Un. He has this uncanny knack of making me feel steady in a room full of strangers.He looks amazing in a suit. I was the only heavily tattooed person in the middle of 200 Catholics. It was awkward.

I mentioned it to him this morning. He said he “1000% would have” gone. And in one sentence I realized what he is…my plus one. My arm candy/rock candy. He has been my sounding board when I got lost in a galaxy far far away. The Luke to my Leia. Ya we kissed, but he’s my brotha. No sexy feelings there, not anymore.

Another posted pictures of the life I wished for him. Mountains, horses, his girl and a son. Fare thee well love. I cannot imagine a better father, there is one more boy in the world who is going to grow up to be the best of men because of him. He is good where he is, I don’t have to worry, not anymore. He’s living the dream on Endor.

Hot neighbor. My work is done there. I showed him not all women are insane. I am super crazy, but in a cute loving compatible way. Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them. Obi-Wan Kenobi. He knows.
I saw him outside today I bribed my kid with breakfast sandwiches to take the dog out. Used to be I would casually wander down on my own for a hello and a kiss. Not anymore.

Oh Gelfling, (not) my Gelfling. I can’t be your Taun Taun anymore. I like my guts on the inside. Tired of being ripped open for your warmth and comfort thanks.

I admit when I tripped and fell into the feelings I have now I got scared. Terrified really. Went running back to the idea of Gelfling. The force used to be strong with him. Not anymore. He did not and there was no try. So be it. Its okay, I see what I did there.

So the basic truth is I am smitten. With one man.

You came in here, but didn’t you have a plan for getting out? Princess Leia


I have talked myself into and out of it for months now.

Flipping back and forth between I have a bad feeling about this to ya, this space station is fully operational (despite a few weaknesses).

I’ll just continue to build, fortify and hope for a lack of explosions. My only hope.

If I say I love you, will you say I know?

“Stay on target.” – Gold Five











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