Wherever did I put my Fucks?

December 20, 2016

This is new.

I must have used up my crying quota for 2016 on the Giant. Thanks baby.

I swear I have this new superpower wherein something shitty happens and my mind immediately says ‘okay baby, what’s next?’

Earlier in the year I had ‘black 19’ stuck in my head I didn’t know what it meant. I think yesterday was my black 19.

I am calm. And I shouldn’t be. I might have just broken my heart in an irreparable way.

On the first day of retrograde I decided it was a good idea to have a talk with Lumberjack.

What am I, new?

For fuck sakes Sarah. I have left myself very clear instructions and I listened to none of them.

I wasn’t even sure if we were dating exclusively or not. So I asked. He confirmed just in time for me to say I can’t handle this.

So, basically, I had a real boyfriend for about an hour.

It was longer than that in actuality but still, kinda funny.

Opened an older article today called Tacos and Snugglefucks.

I was throwing a fit because I never see him, article says I saw him less than a month ago.

I lost track of time again.

Doesn’t matter I guess. It felt like forever ago. I had even forgotten that I had written about it. I kept waiting for it to get better with him, after vacation, after summer, after fall when it started raining more or snowing more. It’s a winter wonderland out there, the roads are ice rinks and he never came. Well not never, but not as much as I needed.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion, the tunnel is.

I really liked him, couldn’t tell you if I loved him or not, I haven’t spent enough time with him to know for sure, but the times I did were bliss. Survey says, I kinda did love him. I hated having to miss him. Kept saying ‘something will work itself out’. But it didn’t.

Apparently I am too proud to beg.
God better be opening the biggest most beautiful stained glass window the world has ever seen. Because that was one of the most perfect doors that I just slammed shut.

What good is perfect if you can’t touch it, see it, taste it, snugglefuck it and have tacos?

I am feeling kinda numb right now and I think I kinda like it. I teared up a little reading the article and writing this one but not my usual soul sobbing.

It’s the winter solstice tonight. Longest night of the year, with a lunar eclipse on top. Read a thing today that says this hasn’t happened in 500 years. Mind you I read a thing that said Halloween was on a Friday the 13th too. It would be kinda cool if it was true…and it actually feels like it. Not just dark, super ultra crazy darkness with a retrograde on top. Apparently Saturn is doing something too. Fucking titans.

I always loved this day. It means tomorrow the days start getting longer, there will be an end to the snow and the cold. Tomorrow everything starts getting better. This is the fulcrum. Just a little bit further to the tipping point and I can start coming down the mountain.

This year it means I am 6 days away from vacation. I am heading far south enough that the sun will stay in the sky a little longer every day.

I might stay down there longer now that I don’t have anything to come home to. Sunshine offered to hold down the fort if I want to stay gone.

We’ll see.

Gone sounds good.

Rob Brezsny posted this yesterday


Behind your back, your imaginary friends are plotting with your inner child to overthrow your guilty conscience.

Meanwhile, your future self has time-traveled into the past to enlist the spirits of your ancestors in a secret plan to unlock your sleeping genius.

There’s more: The superhero you used to fantasize about being when you felt most helpless has been brought to life by the mad scientist in your psyche’s basement. Allies you never imagined you had are gathering there to offer their support.

There’s no way you can prevent all of these plotters and schemers from giving you a big crazy dose of assistance.

I did cry when I read that. It just made so much sense to me.

Everything is kinda dark right now but the light is coming. This I know.

I just got a message from a friend, he said “I’m sure it will be alright.”

I replied, ‘it always is’.

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  • Nick December 20, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    It seems unnecessary to remind you to breathe, but please don’t forget to breathe. I doubt your heart is broken beyond repair. Shattered and broken yes, but not destroyed. (it can most certainly feel like it though) Our heart and soul paints us an image filled with our wants and needs and then we try to fit a person into that image. Sometimes the person doesn’t fit and the image shatters. The image can not be destroyed, because it is not a physical image. It can always be rebuilt and it will also change as we grow.
    You’ve got good friends, give it time, don’t forget to breathe and the pieces will fall into place.

    • sexloveandgrace December 20, 2016 at 4:20 pm

      i swear i am alright, and i am not sure now if it’s even over. we shall see. i am pretty zen about it to be honest.

  • Daniel December 20, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    Your writing is beautiful. You are such a deep person.

    • sexloveandgrace December 21, 2016 at 11:18 am

      thank you very much

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