Catches and 22’s

October 23, 2016

I know very well what it feels like to be not important.

Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. ~ A Perfect Circle

Do you know how to draw a perfect circle? Most people don’t.
The trick is you have to hold your hand and the pen steady and move the paper instead.

Then you will see it isn’t the spoon that bends, it is only yourself. ~ The Matrix

I have bent to the breaking point. To my credit even when I snap I still manage.

I am tired of managing.

I am done allowing other people making me feel like I am worthless.
Worth less than the next girl or the one that came before, worth less than work, friends, the opinions of others, anything and everyone under the sun that isn’t me.

What is it about me that makes me so easy to leave alone?

That’s the million dollar question ain’t it?

Thai Fighters kitchen. I was floating around in a red dress. Asking after his roommate, touching, talking, setting out dinner.  He said he blew off box seats at a Lumineers concert to have Indian food and sex with me instead.

I remember being taken aback. Not sure if I heard him right.

Although I always managed to keep him compartmentalized as what he really was my heart soared a little in that moment. God that felt good.

I never saw him after that.

That didn’t feel good at all.

I was sitting, sipping coffee alone this morning thinking about what to write and I’m having a hard time remembering any other actions.

A lot of words.

So many beautiful words, thoughts, ideas, plans even.
5 guys in 4 years have said they’d go to Wonderland with me and ride rollercoasters.
Only Drogo came through, on my birthday no less.
I ought to thank him for that, but I haven’t seen him since either.

So many words.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.”

But no action.

Tomorrow came and went.

You can water a flower all you want but if it never feels the warmth of the sun it’s going to wither.

I take these little lumps of coal I am handed and hold them so close I turn them to diamonds in my mind.
I think I’m handing out gold stars for basic human kindness.

I don’t know any better.

Giant cooked me a steak dinner with all the trimmings.
The Hulk and Young Un both made the pilgrimage to Milton to see me.
I rewarded them with dinners, sex and then breakfast.

Giant used to insist on picking me up and dropping me off. Football too.

Lumberjack bailed on his friends once to hang out with me, late last July.
Stayed up and out well past his bedtime just to hang out with me twice after that.
I remember really liking how that felt, to be chosen.

I haven’t seen him in 5 weeks.
And as I change my sheets for the 5th time, my nails done did for the third, the green dress I wanted him to see me in still hanging in my closet with the tags on, new hair that he hasn’t seen. I admit fully, I am losing hope over here.

Sundays are the hardest. Somehow time gets marked harder when I remake the bed he hasn’t been in.

(I got soul but I’m not a soldier)*

When did I get this idea that it was okay to live on scraps.
That martyrdom was an attractive quality.
That I deserve only an iota of what I bring to the table?
That I am meant only to serve and never eat.

I think I know. Childhood. It was easier just to stay quiet and out of the way, but sometimes I couldn’t help it. I have been handed guilt about this, about needing attention and affection. So my safe place is to just pretend I don’t need anything at all. But I really do. And I have no idea how to ask for it.

Something about the squeaky wheel getting the grease. I’d rather atrophy, than make demands.

Sunshine and I were having wine on the porch, on the last warm night of October summer and I said out loud that I have never had a good relationship. I really haven’t.

I think I stayed married so long because the first 100 days were full of him taking and interest in me. Bending time, bending rules, taking time, making time, making me feel like a priority.
Until I wasn’t, but damn that was an addictive feeling and really the only time in memory that that has happened more than one missed concert.

“You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.”

I can’t give ultimatums. It isn’t in my nature. Besides I have tried before and it ended in disappointment. I don’t want a power struggle, I want effort and a relationship.

As in all things I realize I am the common denominator. There is something lacking in me or about me that dictates and allows this behavior to continue time and time again.

I know I build others up because I know what it is like to be torn down.
I know I stay because I know what it feels like to be left.

It’s my turn now.

I am done praying to gods that have selective hearing and getting almost there.

I am tired of catches and 22’s.

What good does it do me to find someone I adore, who accepts me exactly as I am but that I never see.

He only exists in my phone. And I need him in my bed.

I have never had a good relationship before, something that gets built from a solid foundation.
I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or even risking killing something before it has a chance to come up out of the ground.

I have two options.

If you can’t hold on, hold on*

Be important on my own.

Or both.


*The Killers
All these things that I’ve done

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  • no one and everyone October 23, 2016 at 1:50 pm

    it’s eerie how deeply your words speak to my experience. so much so i wonder if i’ve not DID and you are me, in another timeline. i hate this part. i’m in a place now where i am coming to believe it is because i want more. refuse to settle. refuse to chase. need, need, ache, hunger, burn, yearn, but will not chase. i am done chasing. come to me, come for me, come with me. or you are not worthy. maybe i am wrong. the others with the men in their beds, who bend, and shape themselves, and make demands, and take in the misogyny and the thoughtlessness and the crass and thoughtless treatment. they have full beds. maybe i am wrong, broken, alien, other. is it so wrong to want to be respected? to be wanted as much as you want?

    • sexloveandgrace October 24, 2016 at 9:21 am

      i think it really comes down to we wait because we know the pain of being left. in spite of everything i have been through it takes a lot for me to walk away from someone.

      • Anonymous December 9, 2016 at 7:25 am

        i’m not sure why i am only seeing this now, and my typo makes me cringe, however, i wanted to say thank you, and yes, we wait, and it’s excruciating. but i stay, way too long sometimes, as well … i don’t want to put myself into another situation where i am stuck, wanting to leave, yet staying for too long, because it’s so difficult to leave. so yes, we wait. “waiting is” ~valentine michael smith

  • Anonymous October 23, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Dead on nailed exactly how I feel right now. Thank you for posting. I completely relate to so much of what you write.

    • sexloveandgrace October 24, 2016 at 9:19 am

      that kinda makes me happy and sad at the same time. i don’t want to relate to what i write half the time, but here i am, living it.

  • Broken is all October 24, 2016 at 11:05 pm

    This sums up what I’m currently feeling and going thru, but I don’t know how to get off this ride. I’ve spent years wanting one thing, I’m successful in everything but a relationship and it’s worse because I love this person with my whole everything. Still it’s long distance, I’d love to,make it otherwise and was getting ready to but now. Argh well now I’ve been hurt again and it’s rare I’m in a bad on a Monday night but here I sit all due to love. If I could have one person that would give me a quarter what I put in, it’s be amazing. Instead today I was let down, left broken and hurting again and to be fair I have felt this coming. I should just walk away for good, I know I’m better than this and deserve more but it’s letting go of the only real thing I’ve ever really wanted. It is killing me to hold on, and I’m dead serious my heart breaking is taking my health down with it. I just don’t know what to do, hope and even pray for a miracle that someone falls out of the sky and makes me forget, happy and above all loved.
    Its hard when someone does things that you see, you know is killing you but you get afraid to say anything or just say no this isn’t ok if you love me can’t you see you’re killing me? I know if it had been me that done what’s hurt me so, I’d be out on my ass without a thought. I no longer think people want real love today, I know my life would be better had I never known it.

    If you find a way to get off this ride, please write the steps.

    • sexloveandgrace October 25, 2016 at 10:27 am

      i broke down, it was a slow decent into sadness. i hit week 5 and i couldn’t function. i couldn’t stop crying. i called my ex/best friend and wailed into the phone ‘its not fair’.
      and what we realized is this. i hadn’t made myself clear. i protect before anything else, and in my attempt to not stress him out i was stressing myself into oblivion. the catch is, if i had said ‘i need more’ and he said ‘i can’t’ i had to be ready to walk away.
      i talked to mine, we sorted a few things out. he didn’t come running when i called but at least i wasn’t dealing alone.
      the magic formula really is that everything is temporary, both the good and the bad. time keeps on ticking whether you want it to or not. and as someone who has been exactly where you are, i can tell you it will pass.
      unrequited love is the worst, and it has long been my cross to bear. but when enough time passes, it becomes bearable.

  • Nick December 7, 2016 at 1:27 pm

    If you before you enter a new relationship have a clear understanding and knowledge of what you want and think is important it will save you a lot of heartache.

    If you break that knowledge down into different categories like non negotiable, super important, negotiable etc. that too will save you a lot of heartache because when the warning bell goes off you’ll know if you have to deal with it at once or if you can let it slide.

    Having done this and letting the suitor/suitress know where you stand they can adapt to you. It’s not a demand, it’s only a heads up of what boundaries you have, what makes you tick and what you need.

    You also need to be prepared to walk away if your boundaries are not met or broken, even if it breaks your heart doing it because staying when your boundaries have been broken will break your spirit and ultimately everything that is you.

    Don’t settle because if you do you are setting yourself up for heartache by breathing your own boundaries…

    Time will “heal” what is broken (especially with a little help from friends). You will not forget, but it will get easier.

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