Who is he really? I have no idea.
There exists a meme that makes the rounds about forgiving someone who isn’t sorry and how that’s strength.
I should know, I just did the thing.
It’s going to take longer for me to forgive myself. But only by a lil bit.
2 years it took me to come to the realization that I fell in love with a masked man.
And only the mask.
He’s kinda an asshole without it.
He is not the Batman, beyond the rich/hermit thing. He can’t even save himself.
The lightbulb that went off burned my retinas.
Sitting in therapist’s office, she was questioning why I even come to her at all.
“Sarah, you seem to be able to figure things out rather well on your own, why are you here…am I actually doing anything for you?”
She is, but I have to stop with the day-to-day and resurrect my past. I am afraid I did that thing that I warned her I would do which was twist the conversation into a new direction to get away from what I don’t want to deal with.
Recent past? I got this.
The time called ‘before’ like when I was married? I am actually alright with all of that too. I learned a lot, mostly what not to do. I shed skin that didn’t fit and itched something awful. I have already danced naked on that grave enough. I can’t even remember where I buried them.
Way back when I was a little girl with glasses, a huge vocabulary and skinned knees?
She needs some love and attention and then I think we are going to be okay.
Someday soon I will reach back and pull her out and tell her everything is going to be better than fine. It is going to be spectacular.
I hold onto ghosts, lawd knows I do. I feed them, water them and give them a place to manifest. My bedroom is a Ouija board and I commune with the dead on soft sheets, my hands are wandering planchettes that move with psychic, spiritual guidance and spell out sweet things on their skin or trace the constellations in their freckles trying to decipher maps to home or both.
At least when they appear I can recognize them, they remain true to the men I knew, and their newfound transparency is pretty sweet.
The golden rule with the dead is ask them what they want.
I said to the Giant “When I start to develop genuine feelings for someone it’s like a bell gets rung in my heart’s graveyard and all my skeletons get up and ask me to dance.” Via text the morning after we slow danced in my dining room.
Happened when I loved him, Jason too and the Hulk. Young Un the first was the first so he got immunity and I recovered alone.
I am doing that thing again. Talking (non)sensical nonsense in avoidance.
What of this masked man…
I can see it with abundant clarity now.
Flowed off my tongue as the truth tends to do.
“The first night, the night we talked for 12 hours he was this attentive, excited, vulnerable man with this unyielding strength. I fell in love. I did. I fell in it and stayed there, wet up to my waist and waiting for his return.
But the man that called me the next day and every subsequent day or night after that, wasn’t him.”
Maybe the stars were aligned a certain way that first night, or it was the Fireball, blame it on the alcohol. Or maybe the doors of perception were either cleansed or filthy…filthy sounds more astute.
Or it could have been prima nocta. I was taken away and mindfucked by a man that wasn’t mine.
There it is.
Whatever happened, he never came back. Except to lord over me a bit.
I wanted that back so badly I couldn’t see the truth. I just wanted My Poet back. But My Poet didn’t actually exist outside of that time and place.
It was a well-constructed mask that fell away over the next two weeks and then he fell away too.
I did the same thing in my marriage. Fell for him in the first 3 months when it was summertime and we were new and life wasn’t hard. Then he turned into a video game playing couch-potato and I became a Fallout widow. But dammit I hung on to those 90 days for dear life and wasted my dear life for the next 2556.69539 days.
Until I landed in therapy.
I’ve worn masks too.
I wasn’t exactly myself when I’d go to work, but that veil was a fake name and more make up than I wear on a day to day basis. Geisha-face with stilettos basically. Salome in her war paint. Call it what you will but I was only selling the skin my soul came in, not my soul itself.
I’ve spent a lot of time teaching and training myself not to lie, I can happily say ‘what you see is what you get.’ I’m mutable and I have my moods, but I am always myself.
I wandered off again.
He claimed to be one of 4% of men who derive pleasure from sharing his woman with other men. We talked about it at great length, I sent stories and started a book about it.
I had yet another moment of clarity. They have been coming down from heaven like lightning strikes in the heat of July.
He’s never had what he wanted. What if the reality of it is actually more than he could bear?
That too feels like truth as it rolls off my tongue. It’s my truth as well. I am not sure I could be that girl/his girl, but I was willing to try.
I am all the things all these men ever wanted until they are confronted with the reality of it.
Be careful what you wish for.
This is my one true face.