I read this and I howled. It is the first page of her new book*, I read the rest like I was starving.
I would never say any of this, although I feel it sometimes. Sometimes I want to shake them and ask “Do you not see it doesn’t get any better than this?”
They don’t understand. Their eyes haven’t seen all there is to see yet and I am just a piece of the mosaic that their life will become.
What I have finally started to realize is, they are also part of mine.
I didn’t understand.
I learned not to ask early on.
I don’t ask much at all. Not for you to come, or stay or what you do when you aren’t with me.
I rarely ask questions that I might not like the answer to.
I have ‘no rules’ tattooed on the inside of my wrist.
Do what thou wilt, that shall be the whole of the law ‘round here.
This goes for me too. If I’m with you I made a decision to be here, do not doubt this.
I, in turn, will do no harm, and take no shit.
I know it seems like I am in charge of all the things but I am not.
I like it when you drive, plan things, decide…especially on me.
And so you know just because I don’t try to keep you doesn’t mean I want to be kept.
Of course I want you to stay, I decided you didn’t I?
I love you dummies.
And don’t even start with the fussing, just because I love them doesn’t mean I love you any less.
You have seen my heart, how big it is, how much room there is to move, explore, play, be yourself and still be safe in here.
They are friendly ghosts.
Truth is they will pop by, ask me advice about this girl or that one and I will tell them what I think. Un-vex them as best I can.
Say things like, “she just doesn’t understand yet, but she will, be patient.” Or “did you try telling her that? Say it like you just said it to me.”
Just because they are still around doesn’t mean they are allowed in. Do you understand?
If the conversation turns to flirting I will undoubtedly say ‘I am with someone now’ and they will understand because they were my ‘someone’ once and heard me say it to the others.
But sometimes they still need guidance and kindness.
I have all the advice, I have had many experiences and I have learned to learn from them, just like I am learning from you.
I have theories on so many things. Some rooted in truth, tried and tested and yes, still truth.
Some of you come along and blow my theories to smithereens. This pleases me.
Thank you for showing me what is possible, I hope I have done the same for you.
That being said.
If it seems like I am holding back it is because I am.
I read this once and it scared me…
Junot Díaz — ‘She was the kind of girlfriend God gives you young, so you’ll know loss the rest of your life.’
I don’t want to be that.
But sometimes what I want and what I am end up in conflict.
“You spoil me”
“You are the only who…”
Those words hurt me, they shouldn’t but they did.
What was I doing? Was I being selfish? Am I hurting them?
I know what it is like to eat the best piece of cake when I was young and having everything after taste like sawdust.
I started thinking about things differently.
Life is comprised of moments, the ones I have with them are good moments. I am kind among other things.
So what if I raise the bar?
Stay as long as you want to. Take what you need. There are no conditions here. No limits.
Just love and exploration of what is possible.