I spend way too much time on the internet. Also I am getting older, wiser and losing my patience with most things.
I am also sick of my own shit, America is burning and I am babbling about Tinder, dick pics, my vagina and these boys I happen to meet.
I saw a psychic life coach yesterday, without knowing the life coach part.
I got coached.
She reorganized my life and priorities in 40 minutes or less, then we touched briefly on the boy thing.
If I look back at my history, since I became awake and aware human female with biological illogical wants and needs. I have had crushes forever. It is my natural state of being. And good god it is distracting. I was/am scared of my potential, easier to hide behind someone than be myself. Perpetually playing house when I should have been building my empire.
I mean I have been. 400K views on the blog, 183K followers upon the Facebook. All in 3 years.
I did this.
I wonder what I could have done if I hadn’t dated anyone for basically my whole fucking life.
I guess I wouldn’t have anything to write about. Past accepted.
At what point was I going to realize, okay this is a big deal. At what point was I going to start feeling good enough.
Yesterday I guess.
Giant said it ages ago and I pouted instead of listening “you are destined for greater things than this, than me, I am just some guy.”
He isn’t wrong. Doesn’t lessen my love for him, but he has a wife to find and yet unborn children to raise. I have already passed that point in my life and he is going to be a great father.
Our Sara of Lords said “loving you is not a punishment.”
She isn’t wrong either.
But maybe it was. Watching me waste my potential and do their laundry instead. Giving over my body as a playground and disregarding my mind. My body is a theme park really and the rides are awesome, but still. My mind is a library full of wonder.
But that isn’t exactly what this is about. I find myself typing these words often. I have my favorite phrases and verbs. Other words and terms I avoid like the plague.
Words that sound like nails on a chalkboard…including but not limited to
And the worst twin flame
Fuck that shit.
My sisters are my soulmates and boys are just for funsies and shit to write about.
I see beautiful couples all day long, I was raised by true love. I have felt immense and incredible amounts of unconditional love in my heart for men who have been in my vagina. But that twin flame soul mate shit, and the he’s so perfect crap always sounded like fertilizer on fake grass.
I wrote an article, several in fact about the Swain boy. Just trying to get it all down so when it was safe I could reread it and relive it. I posted it with the caveat that I myself was not ready but it was free for anyone else to see.
A girl read it.
She said “this is the most accurate description of a twin flame meeting I have ever read.”
Internal I screamed no. and outwardly I sighed.
Ya, it was.
I spent so long denying the existence of such things that I refused to see it. I refused to use the words.
I should know by now, when asked ‘how does it get better than this?’ the gods always reply ‘let me show you.’
The way my universe works. The gods saw this as a challenge.
What did she say?
Oh honey, buckle up we have somewhere to take you.
Now, in the time I call after, since I decided to be single and soul search and all that other happy horseshit… I have met me some magic men, I have taken gods to bed, I have been fucked in ways my tiny brain could not have dreamed of in the time called before. I have me all manner of delicious and vicious monsters and men and we connected on levels I hadn’t ever experienced before.
I thought I had seen and felt everything there was to see and feel.
So it is like this.
When we are small we go to the playground. Slide down the slides, get lifted up and dropped on teeter totters, swing so high we feel like we are touching the sky with our toes.
Then later, the carnival comes to town and the rides are bigger, better, faster if not a little scary.
Then we hit up a theme park and go on rollercoasters that lift us up and drop us down and it seems like nothing is better than this.
You go on these rides and they are still good, but after a while they are just rollercoasters.
Then the engineers make a ride that launches you into a blind curve at 70/mph and you think, okay, this is really it this time. This is the best thing ever, I have never felt anything like this, it doesn’t get better. And you ride it until your legs shake and all you want is more.
Oh and then…
Some amazing nerd in a government lab of awesome somewhere comes up with the idea of a 4D interactive ride. Not one of the boring ones on a track where you shoot things no no. This one dangles you, whips you around all the while showing you this high tech 3D projection on a 360 degree screen and you realize, this is what it feels like when I fly in my dreams.
Dream love. Defying physics with visuals that have your brain believing you are flying.
Good god that it good.
And that is what happened.
Something that could only be described as a waking dream. Bliss, pure bliss and joy. Flight.
A soul mate and a twin flame.
Not in the same body, not the same boy and definitely showed up in the wrong order.
But, in the way soulmates, the gods and the universe just know all the fucking things, I believe he stepped aside so I could experience the other before I came back. Among a million other things I have to do before I can disappear completely.
I think a twin flame is temporary. Eternal flames are hard to come by.
One also cannot live in a theme park. The magic wears off. And then you go home to your soulmate and make pancakes.