I sat upon the balcony yesterday, early evening watching the sky change colors.
Sitting, smoking, waiting.
Just enjoying the warm and the quiet, well almost quiet. Indie playlist on Spotify coming through the screen door. Squirrels arguing over pinecones, woodpecker knocking his face against a tree, grackles cackling and kids playing at the playground.
Couldn’t tell you exactly what I was thinking about, possibly nothing, but unlikely. I am always contemplating something. It’s just my way.
I adulted ultra-super-mega hard all day and needed a brief moment of respite so I took it.
Something caught my eye and I looked up from my phone. A blue jay, glancing over his wing at me, caught my eye and stared at me, as if to say ‘focus girl’. So I focused. I thought I knew what his particular winged portent meant. And I did. “Speak your mind”.
This is the omen blue jays bring. Speak up speak out clear your throat and just say it.
A few hours later I did.
And it was unpleasant.
In the moment I believed I was right.
Blue jay shoulda told me to pick my battles. This was nothing but a small skirmish, not a war.
But I suited up and to war I went.
Much ado about nothing but I didn’t see it that way. I was blinded by prior events.
I hate having tantrums, my stomach ties itself into knots, my eyes sting and my throat burns.
But a tantrum I had. Missed the foot stomping part. Sat on the top step and begged instead. Equally as gross.
I lost the fight, if you could even call it that.
I didn’t get my way.
Revelations chapter one.
Why should I?
He said very plainly “You’re and introvert and I’m an extrovert, I want to go out.”
In the din of my internal struggle against panic and worry, I didn’t hear him right away.
I was left alone to gather my thoughts. I get left a lot. It struck a chord in me and not a good one, like a guitar out of tune with a reverb pedal. But eventually the noise faded and my thoughts became clear.
Alone I like.
I’ve been craving it, stealing moments when I can. Being late for things just so I can spend a few more minutes with myself. Getting up at 6 am so I can sit on the very same balcony where the blue jay paid me a visit and just have some solitude before I head back into the world.
Herein lay the epiphany that presented itself rather gently as I laid in the bed, my body held comfortably by the divot we’ve made.
I like being alone.
What is good for the goose isn’t always what is good for the gander.
And that’s okay.
I sent a text saying “I was wrong” and promptly and peacefully fell asleep.
He made good on his promise and came home on time. No harm, no foul.
Kissing me and tucking himself into me and the aforementioned divot.
I’ve never been one to mind being woken up, especially that way. I rarely have trouble falling asleep or getting back to it.
All of my no’s from earlier were been replaced with ‘okay baby’.
My natural state of being.
I smiled in my half sleep.
There was no conflict other than what existed in me.
He walked away exactly long enough for me to figure things out on my own and then did something entirely foreign to me.
He came back.
And I let it go.