I haven’t been writing much lately. The book is stuck in a weird spot, my hero and antihero took themselves a walk ages ago and took my motivation and outdated muses with them.
I am also scared of manifesting what I’m writing about. I don’t want my book love anymore.
I found something better. Safe, sane.
The kind no one wants to read about, and the kind I don’t feel compelled to write about or share.
My girls tried to pry my phone from my hands last night to read what he’d said that was making me smile.
Nope, nuh uh. This is mine, besides, they would need a decoder ring and I am not sharing that either.
It doesn’t look like anything spectacular on paper.
I have had ‘spectacular on paper’. Boys and men who wrote so eloquently, words dripping with love and intention and promise. Then nothing… and the silence was deafening.
Magic words, conjuring spells and beautiful illusions.
That is the thing about loving these magic men, the final act is always the same.
Puff of smoke and they disappear.
Or they are just a man behind a curtain. Looking and sounding bigger than they are.
It wasn’t the talking wolf in Red Riding Hood that saved her, it was just a lumberjack who happened nearby.
Truth be told, I’d already killed the wolf. I don’t need saving, I just want some snuggles.
I was talking to a darling friend of mine. She is a writer and she loves my writing.
She sent me this.
With the message “I feel like this is about you and one of yours. Past love maybe?”
He was my poison, and my remedy. For a while I had more of him in my veins than my own blood.
I had to keep him on a low dose, metered IV drip, the withdrawal was too much. Then slowly but surely I started weaning myself off. But every now and again, there would be a puff of smoke in the air, a turn of phrase and I would be back at square one, tremors, shakes, tears and a craving I couldn’t control.
I am feeling better now.
My cells regenerated, triggers lessened.
Time heals even the deepest wounds.
I called him by his real name for the 3rd time ever.
Rumpelstiltskin Rumpelstiltskin Rumpelstiltskin
She got a little starstruck and curious, asked if her impressions of him were true.
They were, so I let her keep them.
Spoke only of his talent and intelligence.
His passion, intensity and wisdom.
How he motivated me to be better, at everything.
But one story slipped out and it made me sigh with a rather huge twinge of nostalgia.
Twinge is an understatement, this memory grabbed my arm, wrenched it behind my back and wouldn’t let go even after a 1000 cries of uncle.
He more than once said I was guarded, because I was. After a few scoldings I stopped talking too loud or too much. Kept my swearing to a bare minimum, tried to conduct myself with dignity and composure. Failed miserably, I am not a composed girl. But I tried. Only told stories upon request, kept my answers short, like I was on the stand, on trial. And I was. Left as much emotion at the door as I could. Held my dorky self down until she passed out from lack of oxygen.
Except this one time.
We were talking about the weather of all things, he was perplexed by how hot/cold my part of Canada gets. There were metric conversions and I said something ridiculously stupid and I started laughing. Hard. At myself. I had to put in Herculean effort to stop. When I get the giggles, there is no ending them, but I managed.
You must understand I have the derpiest laugh ever. It’s this low ridiculous chuckle better suited to an old black woman in a rocker on a porch in the bayou, with a slight case of dementia. My friends mock me as they laugh along with me, which makes me laugh even harder and derpier.
I love letting go, but in that moment (with him) I was scared.
That laugh was capable of crushing the eggshells I walked on with him.
I waited for him to make a thinly veiled excuse to quit the conversation.
Instead, he took a deep breath and told me a pirate joke. Even did a rather convincing pirates ‘Arrrr’ at the end for effect.
And I laughed my strange dorky laugh some more, and he joined me.
For a minute there I thought everything was going to be okay. With him.
I wasn’t wrong, everything is okay. It always is, at varying levels.
I hope he is okay wherever he is.
I learned something from all of this.
It feels so much better to be unedited.
Yes, there are things I can always change, tone down, turn up, learn, etc…
Life is a natural progression of refining who I am as a person as I experience the world. Seeing some of my behavior in others and using them as a mirror to reflect on what works and what doesn’t.
I laugh at older outdated versions of me. The girl who cared too much, who was scared too much.
Belly laughs are now (and always have been) important to me. They are my joyous noise unto the lord, my unabashed moments of bliss at being alive, they are a spontaneous explosion of gratitude for this one perfect moment. It is my brain mixing up a superb cocktail of happy chemicals and me getting tipsy on it.
Laying on the couch with the new boy the other night, he grabbed my hip in a ticklish spot, squeezed and I giggled. I apologized for immediately, saying I knew I had an annoying laugh, which is my knee jerk Pavlovian ingrained response. He proceeded to pause the movie and tell me funny stories in funny voices and tickle me until I forgot I wasn’t supposed to be laughing.