True Colors and Stubborn Love

April 20, 2017

Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy
Can’t remember when
I last saw you laughing
This world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
Just, call me up
‘Cause I will always be there

And I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you

~Cyndi Lauper

I was so scared of how I was appearing to him, my messy hippy tie dyed rainbow self that I failed to see his monochromatic repetitive shades of grey.

I am always there. I am going a little crazy, always been prone to bouts of insanity now and again.
I can bear a lot, which in itself, is my cross to bear.
The texts are less frequent now, phone calls? Rarely ever.
Love? I have no idea. He used to say it when he was drunk, but I think that ship has sailed away on a river run amber with hops and malt.

I can’t remember the last time we laughed.

We must have, maybe at the cat doing that weird thing with his tongue when we touched the side of his face. Ya, I think so.

90 days, three months until the honeymoon phase is over and you actually meet the person you are dating.

We made it to 85 if the movie ticket stubs in my wallet tell the truth, and they do.

I never wore a mask and I was just me and I thought he was just him and it was so refreshing like water after walking through the desert, the nothing. He was something alright.

I think so maybe…

Tori Amos once said ‘hold onto nothing as fast as you can, well, still, pretty good year.’

I named a stray cat I had Nothing. He was so tired from living on the street and so happy to be home he curled up in my lap and did nothing for 3 days. I got it from a book too. Poppy Z Brite a changeling vampire hybrid child “His name is Nothing, care for him and he will bring you luck.”

I cared for him.

I cried with the vet when we found old wounds with the BB pellets from some awful human still  in his leg, he’d gotten in a fight and was dying in my arms. She was a good vet, she believed me when I said I was getting paid on Thursday and took us even though it was a Tuesday. He lived. Stayed with me until the antibiotics were done and escaped out the same window he’d gone out 10 days before, presumably to fight with the same cat. Revenge more important than the girl who loved him. He stayed with me long enough to be well enough to leave. I couldn’t change him, I didn’t try.

Cats don’t lie, they love you for your body heat, attention and the food you give them, nothing more. Doesn’t change the fact that they’ll bolt the second you leave the door open. They can live without those things and they know it. Even the tamest housecat is still a half wild thing.

I love his body heat.

I love that he can’t lie.

But just like anything and everything it’s a double edged sword.

He isn’t excited about me anymore, he won’t lie about it. I am just body heat, attention and food that he doesn’t bother eating.

He is or was, a lot of talk and no action. “We’re gonna…” but we haven’t. He was at the same bar eating the same chicken wings drinking the same beer with the same people because he was afraid he was going to miss something. So we missed out on going away, going anywhere.

Now he is mostly face down in his phone. It lights up his face quite nicely. It used to be me that did that. I loved how he looked at me, like treasure.

The shine always comes off.

You know how this ends. There’s nothing you can do to change it, so make peace with it now. Ready your hands for the callus, shred the cloth for bandages, prepare the rosaries.

Lessons on Loving a Prophet, Jeanann Verlee

He isn’t a prophet but the lesson is the same.

My hands are already calloused from endless games of tug-o-war trying to pull back from the edge.

I do know how this ends. I waited 7 long years for honeymoon husband to reappear and as far as I know he is still fucking multiple women, dirty, laying on the couch playing video games. That’s who he was the whole time.

She’ll lie and steal and cheat
And beg you from her knees
Make you thinks she means it this time
She’ll tear a hole in you, the one you can’t repair
But I still love her, I don’t really care

It’s better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love’s indifference
So pay attention now
I’m standing on your porch screaming out
And I won’t leave until you come downstairs

(Lumineers, Stubborn Love)

Although my love is stubborn. I won’t lie, steal or cheat I’ll just leave.

If I get on my knees it won’t be to beg.

Consider this my attempt at standing on your porch screaming out, even though I know that will get me nothing but shushed. “I’m scared you are going to come across the street and cause a scene.”

I haven’t been that girl in a good long while.

But for now I will hold onto nothing as fast as I can.

Hope that he goes back to looking at me the way he did before.

He used to think I’d leave if he seemed weak, if he cared too much. No worries there, I thought it was wonderful and I miss it more than I can say in 999 words or less.

The sex is still prolific perfection, so there’s that then.

Still, pretty good year.

And it ain’t over yet.

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