Year One, Mercury Direct and the other 10%

January 8, 2017


What can everyone do?
Praise and blame.
This is human virtue.
This is human weakness.

Fall upon your knees,
Sing, “This is my body and soul here.”
Crawl and beg, and plead,
Sing, “You’ve got the power and control.”
Don’t pin it all on me 
I blame no one, not anymore. This is about the most freeing thing there is.

I am falling on my knees. This IS my body and my soul.

I am in complete and utter control.

Time to manifest destiny.


I used to have a running joke with my girlfriend.

“Can you imagine what we would look like if we actually tried?”

She is an alt model. So gorgeous and so photogenic, but with massive talent as well.

I’ve tried, a few times, to model. Never goes well, I end up like Ricky Bobby getting interviewed in Talladega Nights and I just don’t know what to do with my hands. I feel like I am under a microscope and every flaw is amplified. I jump at shadows and I end up looking stiff and unappealing instead of sultry like I am supposed to.

I say ‘used to’ because she actually did something about it. She looks and feels amazing. I still skate by and chain smoke.

I never saw myself as lazy. My mind is always busy, hands too. When I get into something, be it work, writing, cleaning…I am all in.
Except when I ain’t.

Unless it’s the book. Damned thing. I meant to finish it here and the days got washed away by the ocean and the sun. I have no regrets.

Saw a psychic yesterday. She told me I have fire hands, which describes me fairly perfectly.
I like to have several things going at once, jack of all trades etc.…but I tend to drop things when I get bored or they get too much.

I am half decent at so many things.

I am trying, I am becoming more self-aware.

What if I just tried 10% harder? The possibilities are endless.

I knew a woman once who taught me a valuable phrase and outlook.
Whether things are going well or badly ask yourself “how can it get better than this?”

I forgot to ask myself that for the last couple years. Now feels like the perfect time to remember.

I know my habit of setting goals and not smashing them because I see something shiny, usually a boy.

I have become complacent in how much better I am than I was in the time called ‘before’.

Oh baby that bar was so low. We can do better.

I was a fishwife, getting cheated on and throwing epic tantrums instead of fixing my situation, i.e. removing myself from it. I blamed everyone else and they refused to change their behavior, so I was miserable. Makes no sense when stated this way. I see that now.

All planets went direct today. This day of our lord January 8th 2017

This year is a one. New beginnings.

If anyone is expecting some insightful lesson or funny story in this post, you can stop reading now.

I am making my personal vows public, nothing more. Leaving myself a list and a trail of breadcrumbs for the next time I wander off the path because I saw a boy over there and he had a pretty mouth and said nice things.

I will be 43 this year and I have been genetically blessed, I know this. But…

The years add up whether I acknowledge them or not.

The psychic I saw last year in the same old hotel told me I am way more on my mystical game when I am hydrated.
Goal #1 drink more water.

A friend I had (and lost) catapulted my financial thinking from hundreds in savings to thousands.
She herself was up into the tens of thousands.
I want that now. I can do this.
In the time called ‘before’ I had 5 financially abusive boyfriends over the course of 18 years.
Back to back.
When I made the decision to be single and I was not paying for the habits and folly of others, I suddenly knew the comfort of a savings account.

I exist with the mindset that money comes easily and frequently. I shall not want. I have been blessed with tiny miracles always bailing me out of trouble even before I became aware of such things.

But that’s the thing.

I don’t want to be in trouble to manifest anymore. I want to help others, I want to travel, invest and save. I already know how to do this. Follow in my girl’s footsteps, dream bigger and work both smarter and harder. Yes, my current workspace is comfortable, but nothing big ever happens staying in your comfort zone. Time for launch.

Goal #2 expand my idea of what ‘good money’ is. Add multiple zeros to my net worth, save feverishly, spend wisely, travel more, and stress less. Do the things I love while turning a healthy profit.
The psychic I saw this year said money was coming and I wish to prove her right.

I have a love/hate with routine. I need it but I don’t care for it. Panda the roommate says the only thing I do consistently is change my sheets on Sundays.

She isn’t wrong.

If I change my work I can change my schedule and also my routine.

I went to hot yoga with that friend I used to have. I miss how limber I felt after, the high from the endorphins, how clean I felt after sweating out all the bad things I put in my body.

Panda has a perfect peach butt.

Once upon a time I dated a personal trainer and I too was the proud owner of a perfect peach butt, I have the photos to prove it. If I’m going to keep going the way I’m going, I gotta hit the gym. It’s time.

My nights get earlier, so do my mornings. We will have time.

Oh ya, Panda is coming with me on this journey of the new, rich and fabulous, she has a head start.

Goal #3 be nicer to my body.
Less smoking and drinking. More yoga and gym.

This next thing is going to be the hardest to change.

I need to flip something.

I meet a boy that I like and suddenly I’m expending time and energy on him and not myself.
I eat up the crumbs they feed me like it’s a 4 course dinner, and it’s not.

“A hit can feel like a kiss when the body is starved for attention.”

Instead of an 80/20 split in their favor I need and 80/20 split for me.

That doesn’t mean I want someone fawning over me, never did care for that. What I mean is I need to look after myself first. I need to remember ‘no’ is a complete sentence. I need to realize that my time has value. And the big one…

“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” Nina Simone

Goal #4 Realize I have value on my own. My worth is not dependent on anyone else’s ability to see it.

Which lends itself quite nicely to Goal #5 More sex, less feelings.






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  • Kristen January 8, 2017 at 2:07 pm

    I’m so glad I stumbled upon you when I separated from my ex-hubs 4 months ago. So glad.
    Your journey is teaching me. Your honesty is challenging mine.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Much love to you..
    And much sex ?
    (Oh, and you’ve inspired me to start writing again… so you know, thanks for that!)

    • sexloveandgrace January 8, 2017 at 4:30 pm

      this makes me incredibly happy.

  • Sharon January 8, 2017 at 5:20 pm

    Wow, the similarities I’ve had to your experience are stunning. I love your goals. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts so openly.

    • sexloveandgrace January 8, 2017 at 5:59 pm

      you are very welcome. it’s therapeutic for sure

  • Anonymous January 8, 2017 at 8:35 pm

    Drink more water:.. on it:.. or maybe more beer for today. I hope that I’m able to move forward to work on myself. I keep running back to the same situation. I’m a damaged girl who damages everyone who crosses my path. (Matthew earye)
    I know it’s selfish to leave and leave him with nothing but I got scared and I lost myself in the game:
    I need help and I’m reaching out.
    Not for his hand but for my own hand
    Am I okay?
    Am I enough?
    Or will I fail

    • sexloveandgrace January 8, 2017 at 10:54 pm

      you are enough and you need to do what is good for you

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