“Are you mad at me?”
My hands were shaking so badly while I was texting even autocorrect had a hard time trying to figure out the fuck I was trying to say.
Bitch whatchoo tryna type here? Arm your mad hatter?
Backspace, try again.
My stomach rolled. Hard. And kept on rollin’.
“Slightly annoyed.” He replied. In less than a minute, bless his heart.
The ground underneath me dropped away. I felt that vertigo sense of falling, like in a bad dream. I didn’t wake up for 2 days. Just kept trippin and falling and trippin again.
A misinterpreted (albeit bratty and ill-timed) text from me and a perfectly reasonable negative reaction from him.
“Slightly annoyed” should have had the same impact on my psyche as a big truck rumbling down my street, barely noticeable, tiny tremor, slight rattle of windows or wine glasses then gone as quickly as it came. And instead I turned it into the 1906 San Francisco earthquake 7.8…aftershocks for two days.
I try to pretend I don’t have triggers or issues or baggage, but I do.
It took me 6 months to get the cats to the vet to get fixed because of the ghosts of 3 dead pets and a maimed kitten named Calculon, she came back all sorts of fucked up. I had a bad run of about a decade where I would walk into a vet clinic with a beloved pet just to get their ashes back a week later and a huge bill.
The cats are fine.
I am scared to go into work because a large portion of the girls hate me, openly. Talk about me behind my back and on occasion get up in my face. I don’t do conflict well. 17 years stripping and I have had 3 fights with women. Walked away from 3 dozen.
I am afraid of women. We are vicious creatures. I should know, I too have been vicious, I don’t like myself when I see red, I feel like I am channelling some demon from the bowels of hell. I feel that disconnected out of body, ‘oh my god what did I just say?’ feeling. It haunts me.
I got bullied bad in school and it continues. Beta bitches love to go for my throat, always have. I am learning to care less but it’s hard. I have an ingrained response to feel sick and shitty and they smell fear. It’s a badly lit catch 22 and I have platform stilettos on, my center of gravity is already off.
I have been on this trip the last few weeks upon ye olde blog. Clearing out some psychic garbage, unpacking baggage to try and figure it all out.
I was mid panic over the fight that wasn’t a fight and I came upon this meme.
Well fuck. There it is.
I have been conditioned that to be loved I must follow this rule…Behave the way I want you to or I will lock you out in the cold. Shut you out and ignore you until you begin to question your own existence.
It’s a slamming down of a phone, the rolling of eyes, the sharp exhale. The same way animals predict earthquakes before they happen.
Slightly annoyed + gaps between messages=hell opening up to swallow me whole.
I have MASSIVE abandonment issues. They are crippling. If I feel like someone is mad at me the world might as well end. Started in childhood with withdrawn affection for bad behavior and instead of running from similar situations, I swear I have been seeking it out my whole life. Familiarity breeds comfort but this isn’t okay. My ex hubby played this game like he was going for gold in the emotional manipulation Olympics. And I stayed.
The strong woman who lives in my chest screamed ‘dump the motherfucker already’ or alternately “fuck those bitches” depending, the wise woman in my mind sits in lotus pose and says ‘everything is temporary, it’s okay’. But I can’t hear over either of them over this little girl that takes over. She just wants to be loved.
I could read the words ‘slightly annoyed’ and the slightly annoyed tone that peppered the messages following.
Strong me said ‘explain to him not to do that.’
Wise me said ‘whatev’s’ …
but that little girl trumped them both with a keening wail that sounded like sobbing but really meant ‘please don’t leave’.
I can handle all the big stuff. I have been through a lot. I don’t get rape or car accident or break up triggers anymore.
It’s the little things. The limbo that exists between being wanted and cast aside, not knowing when I can come back in the house.
Basically much ado about nothing.
Everything is fine now. We are back to normal with some extra attentiveness on top. I got a double good morning text today.
This is nothing but some necessary catharsis.
I said a few posts ago that I have never had a good relationship before.
I’m not sure if I know how, but I want to try.
I have some scar tissue that needs dealt with, I see that with glaring clarity now that the dust has settled. I have some baggage to unpack and sort through.
I am not the things that have been done to me.
I’m just me.