unable to even

Troll Food

June 14, 2016



Here trolling trolly trolls. I made supper, come eat.

Her: I need to ask you something.
I know you have a lot of amazing writing and personal traumas out on your blog…
I wanted your opinion on mine… If it’s going to have too many people hate me…

My rapist got me pregnant and I had an abortion.

I feel I am ready to be all of me, but I don’t know if the abortion part will have those online trolls all over me.

Me: Honestly. It will. You have to decide whether you will allow their opinions to bother you.
I get more support than slack. It’s therapeutic for me to get that out.

Her: Thank you!

Me: Don’t write for them, write for you.

I am now writing this for her.

I too had a rapist and an abortion.

I aborted my rapist’s baby BEFORE he was my rapist. In the time when he was still my abusive boyfriend.

I have ZERO regrets.

I can only imagine that parallel universe wherein I was biologically tethered to the man who continues, 14 years after the fact, to VOW to kill me on sight.

Hell is explaining to a child that he/she can’t see their daddy because he is a rapist and a misogynist of the highest order and a sociopath that hurts women, including their mother. Or worse? Having to see him once every 2 weeks because the court says so.

I wouldn’t actually tell a child that. There are some things better left unsaid. But since this is hypothetical and I spared both myself and our water baby this horror, I still feel justified. I always will.

Rapist has one child in existence that I know of. That boy and mother have both my deepest sympathies and a restraining order.

I do not understand pro-lifers. I truly don’t.

Especially when they put forth the argument that ‘women shouldn’t use abortion as birth control’.

As someone who has aborted, not just the once, I know how hard it was for me to make that decision. Even when I knew I was pre-empting a painful miscarriage. It was still hard for me.

But what if it isn’t?

What if some women do use it as birth control?

Do we want those women raising babies?

And the pro-lifers yell “ADOPTION”.

And I yell back…

How many babies have you adopted? How many kids have you fostered?

I have 2+ foster kids. Kids whose mama’s didn’t want them so they lived with me and I fed them, clothed them and taught them family is not about blood.

I know a man who was adopted as an infant, 3 months after his mother adopted a literal crack baby. She had 2 infants at once, one going through withdrawal and still went on to adopt more kids. The first baby suffered severe damage from being born addicted and still lives with her 25 years later. Parenting never ends. She is a living saint.

We don’t have a lot of those in the world.

I am not a saint.

I recently started re-watching Orange is the New Black in prep for the new season that I will binge watch on fine day in June. 48 hours wherein I don’t have to explain why I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything.

Looking forward to it.

In the first season there is a scene explaining how Pennsatucky came to be in prison. She was lying in bed with her boyfriend discussing getting an abortion. The idea of quitting drugs and keeping the baby was put on the table and laughed off as quickly as it was raised. She shot a nurse in an abortion clinic for suggesting Pennsatucky get a ‘punch card, next ones free.’ She was then hailed as a saint by the pro-lifers. Art is imitating life kids. As a society we bow down to false idols often, run with half the story and tend to make stupid people famous.

She is not a saint.

In season 3 this happened…


For those who don’t want to click and watch  Boo explains to Pennsatucky that she did her 7 babies and the world a favor by not having them. How the crime rate dropped in the 90’s because abortion became legal and women in lower income situations, or those with drug habits had a choice and less kids were born addicted and into poverty.

Pennsatucky was the best possible mother to those kids by NOT having them.

I realize that isn’t real life. But it’s a valid point.

I am tired of the argument that a woman should only have an abortion is she is raped or her life is at risk. It wouldn’t have killed me to have a miscarriage, I should know. I had 4. But it did kind of kill me. The hormones, the guilt, the lack of control over my body, the hopes I got up thinking ‘maybe it will be different this time.’ I lost months out of my life recovering from loss.

If I’d had my abusive ex boyfriend’s/rapist’s baby chances are pretty fucking high he still would have beat me and raped me. But the likelihood of him coming after me with more vigor and reason if I had his offspring 110%. I probably would have had to transport the child to some court ordered visitation last Sunday.

I am better where I am.

I am good with my decisions.

No one else has to be.

No one else lives in my body but me.

If you are pro-life, by all means, have babies no matter what, it is your body, your choice, your life.

But if you ever find yourself in a situation where it is just not possible to commit the rest of your life to making sure your child is alright or the next 9 months to knowing you could lose that baby at any moment, or if you are in a bad relationship or any other reason that is yours and yours alone then I understand and you have my unconditional love and support.


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