Yes, Some Men

November 3, 2016

I have a boyfriend.

This isn’t news.

Anyone following the blog knows this.

I made a point of not pretending I had a boyfriend for a really long time, even though that is the safer route to take as a woman.
It was part of my not lying thing.

And honestly? I am fucking tired of only having value in relation to a man.

I am in a relationship because I found someone I care about, that is compatible with me. I adore him and feel safe with him. This took time, patience and conversations. Add to that I chose him in the first place.

He told me a story once about seeing a guy hitting a woman outside of a bar, boyfriend walked over, hit the dude and knocked him out. Yes, this.

Because of this/him/how he is I get the privilege of wearing nice dresses when I go out with him.
When he is standing next to me no one bothers me. It’s like some kind of fairy tale magic. Or just a glaring statement of how the world is.

He is my human shield whether I want one or not. And although I am grateful and adore the fuck outta him, I wish it wasn’t like this.

My Instagram continues to be a source of yuck, I am having a Pavlovian cringe response to the dm notification. It’s all dick pics and ‘hey baby’. If I didn’t respond in July or August or September, what made you think October or November would be your lucky months?

I posted an article about dick pics and had one odd response, some strange man said to me “Who are you hanging out with? You need better friends haha.”

Um, this is not my choice. I don’t know these people. I made no contact with them, they saw a thumbnail of me somewhere on social media and decided to send me dick pics and rape threats.

I make myself vulnerable, I get that. I post personal things on my blog and I do it under a pseudonym on purpose. Not because I am ashamed, but because it’s not safe to do otherwise.

I also know it isn’t safe to go out alone, period and yet sometimes I have to.
Social media makes me vulnerable too, so I don’t get to have a Facebook because guys can’t stop being creepy?

I had to shut down the messaging feature on my Facebook page. It was emotionally draining, exhausting, toxic and creepy as fuck.

Didn’t matter if I had 700 strangers following me or my current 104736 people peeking at my posts.

I would get 10 messages a week, 8 from nice people saying ‘thanks’ and ‘good job’ and ‘you helped me’ and then 2 from creepy as fuck dudes saying variations of ‘you should fuck me for paying attention to you.’ Or “I love you”.

No, you don’t. You don’t know me.

I still get this shit, daily. These digs masquerading as compliments “oh I’d take care of you, oh I’d love you for who you are”, etc. I choose not to engage because I know if I take up my sword and kick that hornet’s nest I’ll get stung and within days another one will take his place.

Again, if I didn’t answer in July August September or October what makes you think November is going to change things.

The FBI leaked the name of the 16 year old girl who was the victim of sexual harassment and recipient of Anthony Weiner’s dick pics. The Trump army made his accusers names public as well.

Not only is it not safe to be a woman, it isn’t safe to stick up for yourself.

Case and point…I’m late for work, grabbing a coffee at Tim Horton’s apparently some dude notices me while I am in line he follows me out, chases me across the parking lot screaming at me to talk to him or else and I had to play a game of frogger, dodging cars, crossing at a red light to get away from him.

It was 10 am and I was wearing jeans and a sweater. If it was midnight and I was in a bikini I still should be able to perform the simple act of getting a coffee before work without some dude chasing me down the street.

I had it out with a male friend of mine once. He said “it can’t possibly be that bad, I don’t do that to women and I haven’t seen it happen to any of my girl friends.” I had him walk 15 feet behind me down a Toronto street on a Sunday afternoon. I got cat called 4 times in 10 minutes. I was then approached and he came running up and told the guy to fuck off. Had I done the same, I would have been called a cunt guaranteed.

Lena Dunham is on blast for saying straight white males should go extinct. She’s not wrong.

In a world full of Trump supporters, Brock Turners and ¼ women being sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday maybe it’s time to smoke the fuckers out. It’s a radical and harsh statement for sure, but how much longer do we have to fight the monsters before we become monsters ourselves?

Yes, some men do this, we’ve tried asking nicely. This has to stop.

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  • Nick November 4, 2016 at 2:10 am

    I’m sad to report that the female monsters have already arrived. I’ve seen women verbally tear men apart just for approaching them and asking one question. One question asked once. No harassment, no cat calling, just a simple question if she possibly would want a drink. In return they got the how do you even dare to approach me peasant treatment..

    • sexloveandgrace November 4, 2016 at 9:39 am

      this is a result of conditioning by those other men i spoke of.
      my bar experience? the men get creepier and the women shut them down harder and the men get creepier and the women have to shut them down harder.
      so by the time a nice guy wal;ks up with a simple question we’ve already had more than enough
      its a terrible conundrum.

  • T. Rex Davidson November 4, 2016 at 6:27 am

    Dick pics? I don’t get that? I’m a guy. Why a guy would do that is baffling, only thing i can believe, is, they must be very stupid, or very proud. If i was a woman and this happened, i’d just instantly block this person for bad judgement, alone. I did’t realize so many women were insecure about how they looked in public, although i’m not the pushy type. Sadly, the way connecting seems to often work, it’s the aggressive guy that gets the girl, nice guys do finish last and maybe, that’s darwinian, but, in the long run, i think brains are going to out-survive pushy brawn, that’s just logical. I would apologize for men, but i think women have a lot of closet issues nobody is talking about, e.g., women getting fake boobs? What’s up with that, i don’t even like big boobs and find fake bobs deplorable, so why are they doing breast enhancement? Because, all women are in competition with other women, it’s not to attract men, men would fuck hot mud. What’s with all the makeup? It’s not to attract men, men don’t need any encouragement to go after women, so again, it’s for other women. Sexy clothes, yes, that does definitely get men’s attention, but doesn’t it also make the woman feel better about herself and make her more confident? To me, big fake boobs=low self esteem. So, Dick pics, fake boobs, sexy clothes, aggressive men, nice guys faltering, brains on both sides, not really relevant-this adds up to a lot of mixed signals. I think women are confused and the real good guys are not a woman’s first choice. Worse, american women seem to be the most confused and deceptive about what they really want. The divorce rate would not be so high if relationships had begun with a lot more honesty.

    • sexloveandgrace November 4, 2016 at 9:48 am

      i am intrigued as to how you went from ‘wow that suck that guys are doing those things’ to fake boobs and make up are bad.
      i am over simplifying sure…but still.
      the make up/cosmetic surgery/female enhancement industries are all alive and well (and run by men i might add) because our self esteem is attacked openly and subconsciously daily.
      we absolutely have been taught to compete with other women by the exact same industries and it sucks.
      now, the article i wrote was specifically about online and street harassment. these are very real dangers for ALL women.
      i have fake boobs and i am pretty sure i would get harassed without them, and indeed spent 36 years as a woman walking around without them and did get cat called, chased, raped, groped, dick pics etc.
      you mention ‘sexy clothes’. yes, i own a handful of dresses that i can only wear when i go out with my man or male friends because it isn’t safe to do so otherwise.
      i really wish you would have said ‘oh my god, some men do this? that’s terrible’ and stopped there, but you went on a rant about women’s esthetic choices and how we don’t know what we want. which makes you a mansplainer and part of the problem.

  • Anonymous November 4, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Not surprised at all by the responses to this article. Every time a woman or man writes about sexual harassment or assault that most woman face on a daily bases. There is a group of guys that feel the need to respond with bashing woman and minimizing what woman face. its sad that things never seem to change. Woman don’t need to talk to a stranger no matter where they are. Yeah it sounds nice to be polite but a lot of guys don’t understand the polite response.

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