I still can recall without much effort the fear that clutched at my throat and twisted in my gut simultaneously when he said it.
“I have something to tell you…”
I was terrified. We had been messaging about sex and he paused the conversation and said “I want to say this out loud.”
The phone rang and I answered it.
I understand the courage it takes to bare your soul with that much abandon, had I not done it first the phone would have been back on its charger beside my bed and I would have had a good night sleep.
I am tired of sleeping anyways. Spent a rather substantial portion of my life sleepwalking.
And that was not the way it went.
It rang and I heard his voice for the first time on the other end.
His sharp deep inhale of breath echoing my own. The way the ocean pulls WAY back just before a tidal wave, gathering strength and momentum.
I braced, like I would in the ocean, feet slightly apart, torso twisted just a bit to the left…
“I am one of the 4% of men who…”
I didn’t drown, it didn’t hurt or knock me over. I just kinda floated.
He laid it all out. And it was nothing to be afraid of, and nothing I couldn’t handle.
I can handle a lot.
I got out of the shower one hot afternoon, walked into the bedroom, that I shared with my boyfriend at the time, to find him dressed in women’s clothes.
“Well that explains the bra and panties in your bottom drawer”. Followed quickly by “is this a new thing for you, how does it work and what do you need me to do?”
I have long been treated like one of those priests in a box. People just tell me things. Maybe it’s my face, or my small town demeanor in the large city I transplanted myself into. I am always being approached for directions, time, advice and confessions.
How many Hail Mary’s for the other boyfriend who pulled out a dildo and asked me to use it, on him.
None. I don’t hand out guilt. I play along. My sexual comfort zone is a rather large place and no one, so far has asked me to step out of it.
When I’m asked about what I like? I always watered it down, afraid of reactions and rejection. It is only the last few years I have started to realize I am not as strange as it think I am.
I think I always thought that a part of you dies every time you make yourself vulnerable and someone says ‘ew’. So I never say it.
Those parts of you are only mostly dead, and with a small miracle can be resurrected.
Funny how I always let everyone own their wishes wants and kinks and I set mine aside.
I willingly handed over a knife every time I got in a relationship and allowed them (asked them really) to carve off bits of me so they could fit. I wasn’t comfortable being me. I was scared of my potential, of being myself and having to choose between what I Really want and being lovable. No one could possibly love me the way I am. Too much, too wordy, too strange, too sexual, too quiet, too loud etc.
This is not the way. I have been wandering through my past for the last few years, safely alone, picking up pieces of the girl I was and lost trying to put me back together. Finding things I didn’t know were mine. Way more ‘me too’s!’ than ‘ew’s’. And even then, doesn’t matter, I am alright with who and what I have become.
I had a dream that I was wandering in the woods and I found a cottage, everything I had ever loved and lost was inside and I was so happy.
That was how I felt when we talked on the phone that night.
Desires lining up like puzzle pieces. Not the same exactly, but a perfect fit and part of a bigger picture.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
A man like him and a woman like me. Equal and opposite. Symbiotic.
Newton’s third law and the 4%.
Compatibility of that magnitude is rare.
Since finding him and realizing this exists, I have met another…hidden right under my nose. He, his views and relationship with his wife making me feel more comfortable in my skin.
I have my suspicions about a third.
There are more I’m sure.
He is irreplaceable. The change he caused, or the awakening of what was already there, irrevocable.
I hesitate to use the word soulmate. It’s losing meaning with how often it gets thrown around. But he is something bigger than I have experienced before.
Sexual compatibility is amazing, spectacular and necessary. But there is more. There has to be more.
How did Ludacris put it… ah yes “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed”.
I have the freak part down, and I let my flag fly. Sometimes when it ought not to be, often when it ought not to be.
Some things have to be sacred.
I get excited and I forget this. I babble, I dig my heels in. I over think and under react. I underachieve too. Not sure if I am more terrified of failing or succeeding. The thing is I love being challenged and I rarely am, so why do I sabotage it. Things to ponder.
I regressed after meeting him, tried handing him the knife so he could cut out what he didn’t like. But he didn’t take it. He dared me to build myself up, be more, do more.
He became the first law of inertia.
An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
I needed thrown off balance and set on a new trajectory.